A night I'd rather forget
by dipothebookworm
Summary: What do you get when you mix the best-looking boys (and girl) of Ouran Academy with a ton of booze? A complete freakin' mess, that's what. Ongoing series, with multiple pairings. Very cracky, with a touch of angst.
1. Kyoya

A night I'd rather forget

(A/N: I don't own OHSHC, Bisco Hatori does,so Kyoya can't deport me for writing this. Right? Anyway, this is a new cracky series my plot bunnies have bullied me about, and there is no stopping those bastards.)

To be honest, Kyoya rather had this coming. Tamaki wanting the club to go with him to a 'commoner bar'? A terrible idea. But Tamaki was so full of terrible ideas. Why should tonight have been any different?

At any rate, there had been a beer drinking contest going on. A frat house was hosting some stupid party there, so the campus bar was full of students in various states of inebriation: tipsy, stumbling, drunk and flat out wasted. Of course, Tamaki insisted on buying drinks for everyone, like he saw in some retarded American movie.

"Drinks all around, bartender!", Tamaki roared. Everyone screamed happily in response.

Why was he here again? Oh yeah.

* * *

_An hour earlier:_

"_Kyoya!", Tamaki screamed. "It's Friday night and we must go out drinking! It's a college ritual!"_

_Kyoya sighed. _

"_First, you ignoramus, there is no such ritual. Second, we are in university. Third, you are an idiot."_

"_But Mommy! Our children and neighbors are going! We all must go as a family!"_

"_The day I let you in my family will be a sad, sad day for the Ootoris. Get out of here."_

_Then Tamaki did THE POUT. Possibly the only thing that Kyoya could not defend against. No harm in trying though…_

_53 seconds. That was how long he could hold out against Tamaki. A new record._

"_Fine, I'll go. But if I have to do anything stupid, I'll kill you."_

"_AH! Kyoya! Mon ami! I knew you wanted to do it!"_

_And Tamaki commenced to do the swinging hugging thing. Kyoya hated that._

_After disentangling himself from that blond idiot, Kyoya had an eerie feeling that some major events were going to happen, and that he was not necessarily going to like them._

"_I'm just going to a bar. That doesn't mean I'll do anything stupid…"_

_Kyoya also felt like he was going to be made to eat those words._

* * *

The present:

Watching Tamaki crowd surf inside the bar, Kyoya realized that he could have been back in his dorm, destroying someone's livelihood by crashing their stocks. It certainly would be entertaining, and much more intriguing than watching the former Hosts being stupid.

One of the twins (he didn't bother which, they were both annoying) was having a deep conversation with a shot glass, while the other was swimming on the floor.

Mori, Honey and Haruhi were simply staring at them. Honey took pictures.

"Honestly", Kyoya mused. "If only the rest had a brain…"

All of a sudden, Tamaki was beside Kyoya again.

"Mother! Have some cola! You haven't drunk anything, that's almost a crime in this sort of place."

"Er, fine. As long as it is just a soda."

"Yeeah."

As soon as Kyoya sipped it, it occurred to him that it tasted rather… different. Kind of like hand sanitizer, but not really.

"Tamaki, what's in this?"

"It's a magic coke."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Let me refill your cup."

Tamaki snatched the empty cup from Kyoya, ran to the bar, and came back moments later with several more drinks. Tamaki had a stupid smile on his face, but since when was that new? Kyoya picked up a cup and drank. It was unusual for Kyoya to be such a glutton, but hey, they were supposed to let loose and all that crap, and he was thirsty.

3 cups later, Kyoya felt very strange. Kind of free. Like he could tell the world exactly how he felt about it.

Haruhi and Mori had watched the entire scene, and looked kind of concerned. Haruhi looked up at her senpai.

"Mori-senpai? Should we tell Kyoya that he just drank 4 rum and cokes? I have a feeling he's about to do something stupid."

Mori looked at her and smiled.

"Haruhi, you know this is possibly the only time that Kyoya will be this vulnerable."

"So? What does that mean?"

Mori sighed. If he didn't know better, he would really think that she was a tool.

"It means that we are going to have a very interesting evening."

And boy, was it.

Kyoya stomped up to the table where they were having the beer drinking contest and challenged the winner.

"You're not so great. I am an Ootori, and can easily defeat you."

* * *

Ten minutes and 17 ½ pints later, Kyoya swaggered from the table victoriously, and plopped down on the seat next to Haruhi.

"I am the SHADOW KING! Bow before my evil ways before I ruin your family!"

Haruhi winced, and tried not to giggle. His shirt was askew, and his glasses were lopsided.

"Senpai, I think that you need to take a break."

"NEVER! I don't take orders, I MAKE THEM! Don't test me!"

Kyoya then proceeded to get up and stand on the chair.

"And I have some announcements to make! Tamaki you f***ing idiot! Round up the twins! I order you!"

He was completely plastered.

"First, why do you call me Mommy? You're my bitch, and DON'T forget it! I AM THE PIMP OF THE HOST CLUB!"

All of the former hosts looked up to see this event. Kyoya, the 'cool' type, and Shadow King, the guy who almost never showed emotion, and sat quietly in the background, was currently standing on a bar stool and screaming his lungs out.

"All of you! I had to deal with your crap for years! Honey-senpai! All those F***ING CAKES! How are you not OBESE! WHY? And you made me buy them! Your FACE! You look like a f***ing baby! ARGH! And Mori! (hic) Why do people even like you? YOU NEVER TALK! SAY SOMETHING FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! TWINS! Kikaru! Haoru! Hikaru! (hic) YOU disgust ME! THE INCEST THE PRANKS THERSEHRJDK! (hic) HARUHI! YOU IDIOT! I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU SINCE GDHFGHGFZ AND YOU DON'T F***ING SEE ANYTHING! LOVE ME! Tamaki you SHIT! WHY DO I even-

ACK!"

He had gotten so excited from all his announcements that he began swinging his arms wildly and flailing. It was like watching a train wreck. Horrible, but you couldn't tear your eyes away. He lost his balance, and promptly toppled over the chair, falling flat on his face.

And getting back up immediately to continue ranting.

"MY FATHER! All his mind games and maybe you can be heir and maybe you can't and not good enough and never speaking and! CRAZY OLD MAN! Screw your company! (hic) I can buy and sell you! I ALREADY DID! BITE IT!"

Haruhi managed to stop laughing long enough to tap him on the shoulder.

"Senpai, if you keep going on like this, you will make a fool of yourself. How about you calm down. Write in your creepy notebook. Hmm?"

That made it worse.

"Y'know whats in my notebook? I'LL TELL YOU ALL! My plans for WORLD DOMINATION! CAT PHOTOS! COOKIE RECIPES! LOVELETTERS! THE FUTURE! HBVGCFDX! (hic) (insert whatever inane curses a drunk person spews out when they are completely hammered)"

And with his performance almost over, he kissed Haruhi on the lips and flopped over asleep. Snoring.

The ex-Hosts still watched, mouths agape.

Tamaki timidly stepped forward.

"So, how about we DON'T do this again."

Everyone agreed. They had all learned a lot, particularly Kyoya-wise. The Shadow King + Alcohol = A complete horrifying drunken mess.

* * *

The next day:

Kyoya was sure that he was dead. His head felt like it was run over by a herd of stampeding Tamaki's. If he had a bazooka, he could explode himself, or if he had a sword, he could run himself through, and maybe the pain would stop. He got up to look for one, and there was a bottle of Advil and a glass of water on the bedside table. The table was pristine white.

He was in a hospital.

He looked about his room. There was a large couch, a flat screen tv, Haruhi, a sink, a door leading to a-

HARUHI?

Very vividly and quickly, Kyoya recalled the events of the night before. He had told them everything that was in his head. Things that only the Shadow King has business knowing.

"Senpai? You should take the medicine. It will help with your hangover."

Very slowly, he took the medicine, and looked at Haruhi.

"Haruhi? What happened last night?"

Haruhi smiled. She had been waiting for an opportunity to blackmail him since her first year at Ouran.

"Well, what do I start with?" she began. "The drinking contest, the love confession or the revealing of the contents of your black book?"

It was going to be a long day for Kyoya Ootori.

The end

* * *

(A/N: I write this in my bunker in an undisclosed location, because otherwise the Shadow King will find me. Kyoya, I am sorry, don't kill me, I LOVE YOU! Review? I love reviews. Next, perchance the Princess of the Host club tells all under the influence… And if you liked this mess, read my first fic, 'You paired me with WHO?' You will laugh, hopefully. Review that too. :D)


	2. Time out

Types of Drunk Hosts

(A/N: sorry, this is only sort of a chapter. I'm just detailing what kind of drunks all the Hosts are, and if you don't like, you can suggest a kind of drunk for each host, and I will consider it. If you approve, comment and tell me so!)

Kyoya: Angry/ranting drunk (lol too late!)

Tamaki: Sad drunk

Haruhi: sloppy drunk

Honey: crazy/everywhere drunk

Mori: talkative drunk

Hikaru: philosophical or sentimental drunk

Kaoru: sleazy drunk

Did I miss any?

please review and tell me if you think that these are ok choices for the drunk Hosts!

Update: Benibara as the crazy feminazi (lol)


	3. Tamaki

A night I'd rather forget

(A/N: Did I say that Haruhi was next? Well, not anymore. I felt like writing Tamaki, so I am writing Tamaki. Deal with it. By the way, I don't own OHSHC, and if I did I sure as hell wouldn't write fanfiction of it. Warning: Tamaki is suuper OOC here, and pretty angsty. Well, actually, not really out of character, just showing a side that is very rarely shown in the manga/anime.)

Tamaki was a happy person. He was charming, smiling and basically oozed fulfillment and joy. On the outside, Tamaki was a happy person. He was like that for a reason: to forget about his problems. Some people *Kyoya* called him an idiot, and he didn't really mind it. Being so happy-go-lucky all the time was a welcome break from real life. Tamaki was under a lot of pressure. He had to meet his grandmother's expectations, which was no mean feat. Shizue may have looked fairly harmless, but she was a living nightmare in an old woman's body. She had an aura of evil and power that could rival Honey's, or even Kyoya's when woken up.

She wouldn't even let him live in the same house as her. It was ludicrous. He didn't ask to be born into this family, and it sure as hell wasn't his fault that his father decided to have an affair. To be honest, Tamaki rather hated her. He hated her for her coldness, her (unfounded) hatred of him, and most of all, she wouldn't let him have a kotatsu. That kotatsu was more than just a table. It symbolized a happy family, and was about simplicity and warmth. She wouldn't even let him have that. She was a bitch.

Tamaki was surprised when he received a letter from the main house. It was addressed from the office of his grandmother. Opening it, he began to read.

_To whom this is addressed,_

_It has been decided that there will be a fête in honor of your 18th birthday at the main estate. _

_It will be held in two weeks, and you are to attend._

_More instructions will be sent as necessary._

_-From the office of Shizue Suoh_

He found it kind of amazing that she could write him a letter inviting him to his own birthday party and never once use his name. The degree to which she disliked him was at a level even rivalling Coke and Pepsi. Tamaki set the letter down and sighed. Another fresh attempt to impress his grandmother was coming up. And as usual, it would fail.

* * *

(Two weeks later, at the fête in Tamaki's honor)

This was the first time that Tamaki had ever set foot inside the main Suoh mansion. And it was exquisite. The manse easily eclipsed Tamaki's home by five times at **least. **He was dying to look around and explore it, but that would be taboo. Anyway, just the grand ballroom was spectacular. All the other Hosts were amazed at it. Everyone walked around, admiring the stunning displays: the champagne fountain, the rainbow of sushi, and the solid gold utensils (Haruhi was almost in hysterics thinking about how many groceries one plate alone could buy). The life-size model of Tamaki in ice was a bit much, though.

Tamaki walked around aimlessly for a while until he spotted the rest of the Hosts. He thought to himself: "Better put my mask on."

And he did. Running up to Haruhi, he gave her his usual glomping.

"Haruhi! My lovely daughter! You look so CUTE!"

"Senpai, this is sexual harassment."

"Don't say that! If hugging you like this is harassment, then we need to arrest those shady twins! Somebody call the police!"

"Mori-senpai!"

Mori sighed. He calmly lifted Haruhi from Tamaki's embrace and set her down. In his usual monosyllabic manner, he addressed Tamaki.

"Calm down."

"I know, I know. But you didn't have to do that, senpai. I just wanted to give my daughter a hug. She looks so CUTE!"

After that little excitement, all the Hosts began to walk around and chat, eating snacks and looking at the objets d'art. The party was well under way. Until a few minutes later, when Tamaki's grandmother was announced.

Music began to play and everyone assembled to greet the aging Suoh matriarch. Tamaki was surprised that they didn't throw themselves on the ground to prostrate before her. "This is ridiculous," Tamaki thought, "They act like she's the damn Queen of England or something! Don't they know she's just a bitter old woman?"

He didn't notice that she was standing in front of him until she had cleared her throat to announce her presence.

"Ahem."

Plastering on his 'charming' smile, Tamaki greeted the spiteful old witch.

"Good evening, Grandmother. Thank you for holding this grand party in honor of me. Might I get you something to eat or drink?"

"No, that will be enough. Make sure that you behave yourself, and try not to be as disgusting and low as usual today. Several important guests are here, and I will not have you making a mockery of the Suoh name in front of them. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Grandmother."

"Good. Stay out of my sight. You give me a headache, and I feel sick just looking at you."

She walked away, leaving Tamaki feeling as horrible as he always felt around her. She was a poison. Tamaki walked very slowly to the champagne fountain and stared at it, as if he were trying to find the solution to his problems inside the golden, bubbly flow of expensive liquid. He lifted a glass from the nearby table and filled it with the sparkling wine. He drank the first cup, slowly. It was delicious.

* * *

The other Hosts had watched Tamaki's grandmother berate him in silence. They all knew that no good would come of trying to confront her. They had seen Tamaki's expression as she insulted him, and they were all furious. Hikaru had to hold Kaoru back in fear he would have leaped on the woman. But now Tamaki was drinking champagne. They had never known him to drink anything (even though they may have thought that he was drunk a couple of times: come on, who had met Tamaki and DIDN'T think he was drunk or crazy?) but he looked blank, and had knocked back several glasses already.

Finally, Honey decided that it had been enough, and approached Tamaki.

"Tama-chan, are you okay? Do you want some cake?"

"Why?"

"Because cake makes everything better! It's yummy and sweet and tasty and-"

"That wasn't what I meant. Why does she (sniff) hate me so much?"

"Uh?"

Tamaki had very quickly deteriorated into tears. Not his usual Host tears, or the fake ones he used to get what he wanted, but real tears. He was crying like a baby. This had never been seen before. No one really knew what to do, except Mori. He very slowly started patting Tamaki on the head.

"There, there. Don't cry."

Tamaki was a very contrary person. Even more so when he was drunk. Rising to the occasion as always, Mori's comforting words did quite the opposite. What all these long-winded words mean is that Tamaki just cried harder. Breaking away from Mori, he began to stagger unsteadily over to where his grandmother was conversing with some company owner. Haruhi looked uncomfortable.

"Uh, guys? Should we let him go up to his grandmother in that state? Because he is. Maybe I should stop him…"

As she turned, Kyoya grabbed her arm.

"No, I think that his grandmother deserves to be embarrassed. And whether he goes or not, she will still hate him. Let him go. I want to see this."

"Well, if you're sure-"

"GRANDMÈRE! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!"

"Oh no. This isn't going to end well, is it Kyoya."

It was more a statement than a question.

"No, it will not."

Tamaki had stalked up to his grandmother in tears and begun exclaiming wildly. To put it mildly, she was shocked. Then livid.

"You disgusting boy.. How dare you address me with such familiarity? And how DARE you speak to me?"

"Grandmother! Why?"

"What-"

Tamaki had glomped her with an uncommon strength, and was holding on to her and crying all over her clothes. The whole room seemed to hold its breath. How could the Suoh boy be hugging his evil grandmother like this? It was like seeing a lamb jump into a dragon's mouth.

"You never play with me. I haven't seen you more than 5 times in the two years I've spent here, and only 3 of those times you spoke to me! You won't let me live in the main house. I can't even tell you about my day at school! When you do (sniff) talk to me, it's an excuse to insult me! WHHYYYYYYYYYY?! (breaks down completely) I WANT A KOTATSU!"

Shizue Suoh looked at her illegitimate grandson with an expression eerily reminiscent of regret. Her evil façade crumbled. She sighed.

"Someone carry this pathetic mess out of here. Send him home."

Mori stepped in and put the still crying Tamaki on his shoulders. he carried him out silently, and the rest of the Hosts followed suit. They all piled into Kyoya's limo and drove off to the Suoh mansion #2. when they had arrived, they gave the still inebriated Tamaki over to the housekeepers so that he could be sent to bed.

"Goodnight Tamaki," Haruhi whispered, "Sleep well."

* * *

After the party, Shizue Suoh was thoughtful as she undressed for bed. She had never been so humiliated in her life. Tamaki had made an ass of himself in front of who knew how many business owners and important contacts. No matter how hard she tried to be angry at him, she couldn't. Everything he said was true.

She went to her desk and began to write a letter.

* * *

The next day, Tamaki was broken. His mask had completely fallen off, and he had exposed himself. He almost shivered at the thought of what punishment he would get for the episode the night before.

"Why did I drink all that champagne?" He groaned.

The door to his room opened, and a maid came in.

"Letter for you, Tamaki-sama."

He took the letter and stared at it.

_Tamaki,_

_I think that we need to have a family discussion. Kindly make a time at your leisure._

_-Grandmother_

Maybe he was still drunk. His grandmother writing to him? And not insulting him? Maybe he was being Punk'd, like that American show. He would have to speak to her to find out though…

He picked up a nearby phone and called his grandmother. Maybe after they talked, he wouldn't have to wear his mask any longer.

* * *

(A/N: Yeah, not very funny. I wanted Tamaki to be a sad drunk, so yeah. Not happy. The next one will be funny, I promise. But only if you review. BYEEE!)


	4. Kaoru

(A/N: AT LONG LAST, SHE UPDATES! I have no idea why I'm so late with this series. I can feel the guilt pulling at me… ugh…. Oh, and I don't own OHSHC, Bisco Hatori does, bleh bluh blah. I'm just sort of angry, because I CANNOT WRITE HARUHI'S CHAPTER FOR THIS AND IT IS PISSING ME OFF. Oh, and this chapter (as you could probs tell from 'time out' this will be full of psychobabble and deep thoughts from Kaoru. Yeah, I know that Hikaru was supposed to be the philosophical one, but it fit Kaoru better. I realized this halfway through writing and just switched names. Get ready for some philosophy, kiddies! What a LONG author's note. I will have to reward you all for reading this, with a cute kiss scene for Haruhi's part of the series. Wheeeee.)

* * *

Tamaki looked down at Kaoru.

"Are you all right? You don't usually…. drink that much."

Kaoru looked up at Tamaki, thoughtfully.

"I don't know. What do you mean by that?"

"What?"

"All right.", Kaoru began, " When you mean that, are you referring to me, Kaoru Hitachiin, my physical body? Are you speaking of the wounded spirit inside me? Are you talking about my soul? What do you mean? WHY do you mean?"

"What?"

Tamaki looked at Kaoru oddly. This was weird. Very weird. Why was this devil child being all 'deep'? When he had seen him down all those shots, he had expected him to reel around, or maybe cause some trouble. Or puke. That would have been better than all of this 'philosophy he was spouting. His other half, Hikaru didn't seem to be doing any better, considering that he had passed out on the foosball table after one too many rounds of beer pong.

Kaoru decided that he didn't like drinking. It tasted nasty, and left a headache.

"Why then," he began, "do I drink? Is it to feel connected with the others in this bar? For a feeling of solidarity? Or is it so I can fill the void that was left in my 'heart' after I was rejected by Haruhi?"

This was making Haruhi a little uncomfortable. She walked up to Kaoru, with a mildly irritated expression.

"Uh, Kaoru, you don't have to talk about things like that."

"Humm. I never loved you, Haruhi."

"Okaay."

This was getting increasingly awkward for her. Oh, why did boys not just keep their mouths shut after drinking? It's like they can't do anything right.

"I think that… I loved the idea of you more than anything else."

"What?" Haruhi wasn't sure why she had sat with him in the first place. Why was she here again? Oh yeah, Tamaki wanted to go clubbing. Why was she dating him? There were many good questions here. But Kaoru was the main problem at hand right now, she would deal with her idiot boyfriend later.

"Kaoru," she started, "Why are you bringing up awkward things that we promised would never come up again?"

Kaoru stopped for a moment, and looked sagely at his shot of rum.

"Is this glass half-full, or half-empty?"

* * *

Haruhi stared at him.

"It's half-"

"Wrong. There is no answer. The cup is meaningless. The rum is meaningless. What is life, truly? A series of events leading to a higher sense of being? Or is it simply a simulation meant to while away our everlasting consciousness out of sheer boredom?"

He gestured to the bartender.

"Six more, please. With feeling."

"I think I liked you better when you tried to dress me up. This is sort of freakish."

Since when was Kaoru such a philosopher? Next time they went drinking, Haruhi would have to bring a notepad. With all the nonsense that Kaoru was spouting, she would ace her philosophy class in an instant.

"Yes, Haruhi, I only loved the idea. The one person to rescue me from my mutual existence with Hikaru, and give me one of my own. How noble you were, Haruhi…"

* * *

Haruhi had since walked away seven minutes ago. Kaoru hadn't noticed, and continued to converse with his shot glasses as if they were her. The rest of the (sober) Hosts watched on with pity.

"Should we take him home now? This is getting old." Kyoya sighed. As much as he liked discussing abstract things, if they had nothing to do with eventually reaping some sort of benefit to him, it was useless.

"Never mind, we are going home now. Tachibana, Hotta. Please pick up these pathetic beings and put them in the car. I tire of this useless place." Kyoya lazily ordered.

"Yes Sir!"

And with that, the two Ootori guards hefted the nearly comatose twins over their shoulders and marched from the bar, with the rest of the ex-Hosts filing out dutifully. Except for Tamaki, who had to be dragged out with a firm hand by his collar.

"Mori-senpai! Let me gooo! I haven't tasted everything here yet! Let me try some of the 'magic' sake mixture!"

"Mmn."

Hikaru and Kaoru were so inebriated by this time that Tachibana and Hotta had to carry them to their house. Kyoya was silent, and simply scrawled furiously in his little black book (the contents of which are not for human eyes).

When they made it to their (shared) bedroom, Hikaru passed out dead, and Kaoru stared at the ceiling until the thoughts in his head overwhelmed him with their brevity and intelligence.

So he puked.

* * *

The next morning:

"UUUuuughhhh," Hikaru moaned, "What happened? Did I bang my head into a tree?"

Kaoru shifted off of the dresser that he had (miraculously, not losing his balance or even known how he had gotten there) slept on inadvertently, and fell off, landing squarely on his ass.

"Er, we went drinking again."

"We should probably stop doing that."

Kaoru nodded.

"Yeah. Wait, that's my phone. Haruhi wants my notes for philosophy…? Since when does she need help in anything?"

He shrugged weakly.

"Guess there's a first time for everything, isn't there."

THE END.

* * *

(Alternate ending)

"UUUuuughhhh," Hikaru moaned, "What happened?"

Kaoru shifted off of the dresser that he had slept on and fell off, landing on his face.

"Damn!" He hissed in pain. "Hey, Hikaru, did we go to some sort of spa or something?"

"Judging by how my head feels, we probably went to a bar. Why?"

"Someone stuck a bill for 18,500 yen on my forehead. For a 'borrowing' fee. Wait, let me read this;

-Being an idiot: 3000 yen.

-Being carried by one of the Ootori guards: 5000 yen.

-Being escorted into your home safely by one of the Ootori guards: 500 yen.

-Wasting Kyoya Ootori's time: 1000 yen.

-Wasting his effort, pen ink and paper in writing this bill: 9000 yen.

Must be paid within 24 hours, or interest rate (of 90% per hour) will begin.

Is this what Kyoya does in his spare time? He needs to find a hobby."

Hikaru looked blankly at Kaoru.

"I got one too, except mine's for 30,004 yen."

"...? What's with the extra 4 yen?"

"Don't ask, please."

(End)

* * *

(A/N: Before ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING, I had an off day with this story. Lemme alone. And asking again, _nicely_, If no one comments, Haruhi will be hooking up with Kyoya, and that will be IT if noone wants anything else. Please comment if you want a different hookup. **Oh, and for anyone who read 'You paired me with WHO?', I have lovely news. I'm bringing BACK the comment contest! For the new darlings, essentially, by the time I finish this series, whoever has commented the most (validly, at least a sentence, but preferably with real feedback and content) will get to be featured in a fic getting DRUNK with their favorite Host! **Hope you enjoyed, (even though this will probably be the worst one in this series, but I had to get it moving again, I just haven't been in an Ouran mood lately). If you did enjoy this, thanks for the support, and I promise that the next chap will be better. Pinky promise.)


	5. UPDATE!

UPDATEEEEEE!

Hello friends, it's been a bit since I updated this fic, sorry about that.

This story isn't really working for me. I don't plan on updating after this. Ever.

I am quitting writing. Why? I found my TRUE CALLING.

I'm running away to join the circus. Yes.

You will never hear from my account again.

Bye.

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APRIL FOOLS HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHA

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE AUGH HILARIOUS!

But really, I will have an update up in a week or less, either Mori's or Haruhi's or Hikaru's chapter.

Not sorry for this lame joke. Review with your opinions on how bad my joke was!


	6. Haruhi

(A/N: Mein Gott, this chapter took a long time! I'm almost sorry for it being so late, but my muse… has been gone for a while, and this chap is pretty long to make up for it. I don't own, Hatori Bisco does. You people should know. Yeah. Oh, and Haruhi gets pretty… interesting when she's drunk (read: is a total lightweight and cannot hold her liquor well). And due to the reviews, this chap is totally KyoHaru. Hurr durr.)

* * *

Haruhi woke up with no recollection of her night except for a pounding headache and a feeling of absolute stupidity. Her first hangover. She supposed that it was a sort of college ritual, albeit a rather retarded one. Well, she had wanted the whole college experience…

Wait, what the hell? She came to college to study and become a lawyer, not get drunk at parties and do who-knows-what with who-knows-who at all hours of the night! Speaking of which, where was she? This wasn't her dorm, and she didn't recognize the bed. Her first reaction was to check if her clothes were… in place. She looked down at herself and was relieved to find that she was still fully clothed.

"Okay, Haruhi, that's one thing down. Now, to figure out where I am and what happened last night."

She looked around, and saw that she was in a dorm, but not hers. That freaked her out a little.

"Oh crap, what if I hooked up with someone? AUGHH! I HATE DRINKING!"

"Haruhi? Was that you?"

Haruhi froze, being rendered completely devoid of movement or speech for a moment. The source of the voice walked out of the bathroom. It was none other than Renge. Haruhi relaxed, and sighed.

"Renge, what happened?"

Renge's visage was eerily reminiscent of one who had made an encounter with something very embarrassing and HILARIOUS. Not a good sign.

"Weell…"

* * *

The night before:

Haruhi wanted it to be clear that she had only come to the party under protest. Renge had dragged her there, and she would really have rather been catching up on sleep, or maybe relaxing with a bath. Not going to a rowdy party full of drunken coeds and cute boys… Maybe this wouldn't be TOO bad.

"Haruhiii! Come meet Suzu! He's a law student, just like you. You two should chat!"

Renge and Haruhi had very different dating ideas. Renge was all about being swept off your feet and pampered and put on a pedestal. Haruhi was more about mutual trust, respect and affection. But as for Renge, what else could you expect from such a hardcore fangirl? It seemed that Haruhi and Renge needed to have a chat. Pulling the otaku aside, Haruhi hissed in her ear.

"Renge, I told you I'm not looking for a boyfriend."

"Silly, of course you are. You haven't had a single one, and every girl needs to have a dating life in college! You just need to find the right boy."

"Hey, I've had a boyfriend! I dated Tamaki!"

"Is that supposed to be convincing me otherwise, Haruhi?"

"Point taken. But still. I don't want you to set me up with a bunch of random college dudes."

"All right, all right. How about I call the boys over, then? We can do something fun."

Before Haruhi could protest, Renge whipped out her phone and dialed one of the ex-hosts. She walked out of the room, chatting. Haruhi was left alone at the party, and didn't know anyone there. She usually stayed in her dorm, and didn't socialize. Turns out that being a hermit was not a plus when it came to party conversation. Who knew?

* * *

After what seemed like an eternity (but was only 15 minutes) of Haruhi's standing around the party awkwardly, Renge came back with the ex-Hosts in tow. The introduction of 6 cute guys livened up the party considerably. Several girls swarmed them immediately, and started flirting indiscriminately. Haruhi smirked.

"Shameless," she thought, "Will all these educated girls fall to pieces because some testosterone walked in?"

Almost before she was finished thinking, she was engulfed in a hug that could only remind her of her ex-boyfriend, Tamaki. She now remembered why she had dumped him.

"How is my precious daughter doing? I missed you so much!"

"Let go of me, Tamaki-senpai."

Naturally, he didn't, and the hug got even tighter due to the twins joining in. Soon, they began to play tug-of-war with Haruhi's body.

"Haruhi! WE haven't seen our toy in forever! WE missed you!"

All the while, Haruhi was now aware of what it would be like to be a piece of paper. At the rate they were going at, she was going to rip in two. Luckily for her, Renge had stopped MOEing and kicked Tamaki in the face while giving the twins her deluxe Medusa glare. They both stopped, and Tamaki ran to his ever-familiar corner.

"Anyway, I brought the boys like promised. We can go out somewhere!"

Haruhi pricked up at that.

"Can we go to a library?"

All the ex-Hosts and Renge sighed. Hikaru and Kaoru shook their heads in unison.

"Haruhi, a library isn't fun."

"Sure it is! You can learn new things, and read about anything under the Sun! Education is exhilarating!"

"You are the lamest person to ever have walked this earth. Even the Shadow King is more fun than you."

"Don't compare me to Kyoya."

Kyoya then looked up and gave her a glare so icy, she could have sworn she had been shoved into a freezer. Renge jumped in, dissolving the ice.

"Hey! Let's go drinking!"

"YEAH! Sounds like fun!"

"Renge", Haruhi whispered, "Is that really the best idea?'

"Duh! Let's go."

* * *

With that, the Ouran alumni dragged Haruhi from the room and piled into a limo. Tamaki yelled: "To the next commoner tavern! I wish to sample their cheap wares!"

At the bar, there seemed to be the usual crowd of college-aged kids partying it up. Tamaki gazed around, cow-eyed at everything.

"Haruhi, Haruhi! Did you know that a bottle of wine only cost ¥900? That's less than a cup costs! Do they make it with fake grapes or something? And what are these things in the dish?"

"Senpai, those are beer nuts."

"They make nuts out of beer? Commoner ingenuity strikes again!"

"I need a drink."

* * *

Anything would do to get Tamaki to shut up. He immediately took the bait and rushed off somewhere to buy Haruhi a beverage. Maybe a soda. Yeah, that would be refreshing, although the amount of sugar wasn't ideal. Maybe she should just hide from Tamaki, anyway. His stupidity was extra overwhelming lately, and being in a bar like this… Just inhaling was making her feel intoxicated. Wow, this place was weird.

"HARUHIIIIII! I brought you back a drink!"

Well, 18 seconds of peace was alright. Haruhi took the glass from Tamaki and took a sip. Guuuh. This was not what she was expecting.

"Tamaki, what is this?"

"It's this amazing commoner drink. See, they take all sorts of different things and mix them to make a 'cocktail'. This one is some Cuban one, called a mojito. Fancy, huh?"

"Sure. What's in it?"

He looked blankly at her. Of course, he would have no idea what went inside a cocktail. He just had someone make it for him. Damn rich bastard.

A second later, the voice of one certain Shadow King could be heard.

"In fact, Haruhi, a mojito is a Cuban drink comprised of sparkling water, mint, cane sugar and lemon, usually mixed with rum."

"Oh. How did you know that? I didn't think that you would know anything about cocktails, Kyoya."

He smirked.

"I know a lot of things, Haruhi, didn't you know that? The mojito is the national drink of Cuba, making it handy to know in a businesslike social setting there."

"Oh… okay."

* * *

She decided to start drinking it anyway. It was actually quite good, too. After a few minutes, she finished it, and went to the bar to get another. Haruhi felt kind of pleasant now, all warm and happy. And light. She suddenly felt more talkative, and a lot less inhibited, too.

After drinking three more, Haruhi staggered back to Renge with a triumphant grin on her face.

"Renge! I feel great! Have you tried any of these rum things? They're really good. Try one."

"Erm, no thank you, Haruhi. I think you've had quite a bit to drink today. No more."

Renge gingerly removed the glasses from her hand. Haruhi immediately pouted.

"What? I feel FINE, Renge. You dragged me here anyway, and said that I should go find a boyfriendthat'sactuallyagoodideaI'mgoingtogodothatrightNOW."

And Haruhi staggered off drunkenly yet again. Renge just sighed and began to follow her. What a freakin' lightweight. Who gets THAT drunk off a flimsy cocktail? But then again, It was Haruhi, who didn't like indulging herself. Her idea of a 'night out' would be ordering in sushi and reading a book. Plain sushi. Not even ootoro, damnit! She could afford to splurge once in a while! Wait. Where did she go?

"I lost Haruhi. Drunk, innocent little Haruhi in a room full of cute boys. This is an amazing plot for a doujinshi."

* * *

Drunk little Haruhi had staggered away from Renge and had somehow ended up next to Kyoya. Renge watched with bated breath. Was her ship coming to life?

"Heeeeeeeeey Kyoya."

Kyoya looked up from writing in his black book, and looked disoriented for half a moment, not recognizing the slurred, higher-pitched voice of Drunk Haruhi. Finally locating the source of the messy greeting, he was taken aback (though to his credit, it did not show on his face).

"Haruhi? What seems to be the matter? Do you require my assistance in any way?"

She hesitated briefly, seeming to ponder a thought (if one so drunk could stop to think).

"Yeahhh."

"Well, what?"

"Ah, I sort of want to make out with you now."

Seeing as he was a classy, upper crust businessman in training, there really was only one reply.

"Are you drunk?"

She shrugged a little.

"Possibly..?"

"Please go home now. You look unsightly."

Haruhi sat down on his lap, looking vaguely upset. She slung an arm around his neck, as his face heated to an intolerable agree.

"No, I feel like kissing you. Y'know, you have really pretty eyes. And your hair is soooo soft. I like you a LOT."

Her face was really close to his, and her cheeks were flushed. She wa splaying with his hair. He chanted silently in his head:

"Bad idea. Bad idea. I am in no way enjoying this. Not at all. I am calm, cool and collected. I am calm. Caaaaalllllm. Think of stocks. Think of money. Money is good. Money is love. Money is life. Calm. Calm. Not enjoying this."

So far so goo-

* * *

OH GOD OH GOD SHE WAS KISSING HIM WHAT IS HAPP-

And now he was kissing her back. He was kissing Haruhi. Drunk Haruhi. This was not good. Not even a-

"HARUHI! KYOYA! MY DAUGHTER! What are you doing to her?!"

Bad situation: Now add Tamaki.

"Haru-chan?"

Add Honey, which also means Mori.

"WHAT?"

Add the twins. This was turning into a lovely event, great, this was good. Parties, parties, yay, this is amazing. Now all Kyoya needed was-

"OTP SIGHTED!"

BONUS!

A wild Renge has appeared!

How was Kyoya going to explain why a he was making out with a drunk Haruhi?

**FIND OUT NEXT MONTH!**

* * *

Kidding, kidding. Now back to the story:

"KYOYA! What have you done with my daughter! Her innocence is gone! What kind of mommy kisses his daughter?"

Not again with this 'mommy' nonsense.

Very slowly, Kyoya got up, deposited Haruhi onto the chair, and walked up to the irate ex-Hosts.

"This is a hallucination. You are all drunk. And to prove it, look! Haruhi is dancing! Would that happen in real life?"

The boys all looked at Haruhi, who was now dancing wildly around the chair, with her hair a mess. She whirled around and fell to the ground.

Maybe they had drunk enough that evening. Damn the cheap commoner sake!

With that, the ex-Hosts walked (read: stumbled drunkenly) back to their limousines and went back to their dorms to try to beat the impending hangovers. Kyoya looked at Haruhi and sighed at her sleeping form.

"Renge, please take her back to your dorm. I want to forget that this night ever happened."

Giggling, Renge snatched Haruhi from the floor and dragged her out of the bar.

Making a small note in the black book, Kyoya sat down to the bar and flagged the barkeep over.

"A mojito, please."

* * *

"I did WHAT? Why didn't you stop me, Renge?"

Between regaling Haruhi with the tale of her makeout session with the Shadow King and laughing, Renge could barely breathe.

"Are you crazy? Why would I? You two are honestly such a cute couple. Way better than when you dated Tamaki, I mean, HELLO, he's such a phony prince an-"

"RENGE! You are not understanding the situation. I kissed… Kyoya."

"Yeah, and you both liked it."

Reddening, Haruhi turned away from Renge in a futile attempt to stop the conversation, but the otaku was having none of it. She pulled Haruhi's face towards her and noted the blush.

"Ah ha! I was right! You're blushing! You love him! You have to let me plan your wedding, please, pretty please! There needs to be plenty of red and purple roses, and the dress needs to match the decor!"

"Who's getting married? Stop talking crazy!"

"I mean LATER, when you and Kyoya get married."

"Like that will ever happen, especially after this!"

* * *

4 years later:

"And a toast to the new couple!"

The Host Club 'family' was at Honey's home, toasting and clinking glasses over the recent engagement of the unlikely couple: Kyoya and Haruhi.

Surprisingly, Haruhi managed to actually be able to speak to him without being completely ashamed of their drunken makeout, and they discovered many things about each other.

Renge had planned the engagement dinner (as was her duty, as the impromptu wedding planner/maid of honor), and held it at the 'cutest' house of the ex-Hosts: Honey's, naturally.

"Cheers!"

Clinking a fork to her champagne glass, Renge stood up.

"Now, as the maid of honor, I feel like I need to tell the story of how that became a couple. Here ii is, the amazing, romantic story of all time!

Haruhi was very drunk, and she and Kyoya made out."

"DAUGHTER! It was true! Mommy! You liiied!"

"WHAT?"

"I knew it!"

And the whining of Tamaki lasted long into the night.

* * *

THE END

(A/N: Hey people! This chapter, honestly… It has been in the works since last year. As said earlier, **I have decided to hold another comment contest, just like the one for 'You paired me with WHO?'. But the prize for this one is even better: a bonus chapter starring the winner and their favorite Host, getting wasted together!** As usual, the contest ends when this fic is over, and the reviews cannot be 'lolz' or 'yay', or that crap. You people are writers! Give me something substantial! At least a sentence, dammit. The next Host up is.. I don't know. Mori? I don't know. Whoever the hell I feel like. This is very off topic, but I went to Cuba recently, and had a mojito. It was delicious! Try it if you go there. **REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW FOR THE SWEET PRIZE!**)


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